Dear addiction,


You've taken over my life. From such a young age. I've worn you as an identity. I used you to run from my problems, but you only created more and worse problems. I'm tired of running. I'm tired of not facing my fears and insecurities. I'm tired of you.

You've hurt me more than anyone. I trusted you with my safety. I expected you to be a good friend, to hold my hand and walk me through the hard parts that I couldn't handle then to let me go. that's not what happened. You took advantage and when I was ready to walk away, when I would have been okay walking away, you followed like a sad, sick little puppy. You disgust me. Yet I have to bear some appreciation for you. You took me through the most difficult, unbearable situations I've encountered in life. You were there, you never left which is more than I can say for a lot of people in my life. When I was raped, you were there. When Ethan left, you were there. When life was too hard to handle sober, you were there. You were so supportive of me. Yet it was a deception of support. You only cared for me when I was doing what you wanted. When I tried to leave and do other, normal things, you threw a fit and demanded I come back.

But you haven't seen anything yet. I'm running too far and fast for you to catch me. You'll never catch up. I'll always be three steps ahead because you expect me to act predictably and what you fail to realize is that I have a secret weapon. His name is jesus Christ and he has set me free of you. He broke the bonds that tie us together, bonds that I tried with all my strength to cut and couldn't. Alone I couldn't have left you. But he gives me the strength I need. HE freed me!!! I don't need you. You will always follow me. You will always whisper my name in the dark loneness of the night. But you cant claim me anymore. I may fail sometimes. I may forget the heartache and pain you've caused me. and lord willing, I wont fail. But god forbid I do fall back into your arms, He will quietly beckon me home. He wont judge or punish me. Natural consequences may take place. But he will always forgive and forget my sins. He will open his arms and envelop me in an embrace that promises to love me eternally. HE ALONE IS MY FREEDOM AND YOUVE GOT NO POWER!!!!


I've had this letter in writing for about 3 days. I'll feel all empowerful and free and beautiful for a few moments. But then it slips away. I want some finality. I want some closure. But then morning comes and imstill sad. I'm still depressed and lonely and feeling like a failure. So I smoke. I look for other peoples version of success. I suppose I ought to define what success looks like for me. As I sat on the loo tonight I though to myself, "I could stop all this right now. I could just stop smoking and open up to people." But then I remember that everyone leaves. And I feel small and insecure again. And you've promised to walk this thing out with me. So what should I do? You say youll always come through and I believe you. But I'm unsure of what that looks like. You are good. What does that mean? Who am I without drugs? And even more than that who am I without scsl? Ive left myself and allowed myself be defined by my school and my mentors. I need to define myself outside of scsl. That's hard.

More later.

Jax.