I know you're supposed to blog daily, but its hard. I've been in such a strange place emotionally as of late. This post is dedicated to explanation of said place. I feel lost. I don't fit in with the friends I've had for the past six months. I'm changing, transforming. I'm uncertain of what I'm exactly turning into. I'm growing in darkness.

I want to be light. I desire beach life, sand, surf and tropical breezes. Something freeing, liberating and gratifying. Then, I could be happy, right? The only problem is that my dark and twisty place would come with me. I could be happy alone, I'm scared to be with anyone long term. I'm scared of kisses, without the inebriation of wine I'm incapable of commitment to anything but joking and surface lies.

I messed up a few weeks ago. I faltered in my sobriety, relapsed. I haven't told anyone, and I'm not sure how to. I drank alcohol and smoked weed with a girl from work. I haven't forgiven myself yet. I'm not sure how I can. I feel dishonest, not only with those people around me that love me but with myself. Over some stupid peer pressure. I jumped headfirst into a stupid decision and regretted it instantly. I drove to a friends house; okay not a friend, a man who I knew had feelings for me; and laid down to snuggle him. I've never regretted something so much. All I could think of were the many bible verses that I memorized this year. I was convicted, and that's the only thing that kept me from breaking my vow of honor further by sleeping with him. This is my confession I suppose.

I haven't processed it. Like many other things in my life, I put it in a box, then threw it into the closet of my mind. I regret it. Oh, how I regret it. But I cant move backwards. I can only go forward, and allow it to be a guiding post rather than a hitching post. I can learn from it or live in it.

The thing is, a year ago, I would've allowed myself to fall right back into it. I'd have allowed myself to become cynical. The changes that the lord has done in me are evident. I have hope. I have change, transformational love. I do indeed have a hope and a future, but only in Him.

Now, to tell or not to tell? I have to tell someone. Or it'll stay in that box forever. But I'm scared. I'm still living somewhere that if they knew they might kick me out. But they need to know. Well, one person in particular needs to know. And if I tell her I know how disappointed she'll be in me. But she's been such a huge part of my journey, she deserves to know. I have to confess for accountabilities sake. I love honor and respect her. She deserves to know.